After more than 20 years in HR I’m still regularly amazed how, from little niggles and misunderstandings, great rifts and blow-ups grow. The art of letting people know what’s on your mind without annoying or dividing is mastered by very few and those that can, are unlikely to succeed on every occasion. Even the most mindful of us get busy with life and can’t always read a situation from all sides.

Reasons for not raising issues at an early stage may include not wishing to seem petty or high maintenance, or believing the other party knows exactly how you feel and should be the one to make the first move. We’ve all watched frustrating films where if one person had just put things straight at the beginning, ensuing disasters would not have happened. Whilst this allows for a better storyline than sorting the misunderstanding and living happily ever after, life imitating art is not recommended for a harmonious and effective working environment.

I have mediated conflict on many occasions between very capable and intelligent people where one party has resigned and/or raised a formal grievance saying that they can no longer tolerate the ongoing feud and feel bullied/victimised, whilst the other party had no idea that a problem existed, and thought the relationship was fine. Such incidents often involve different personalities with a different way of looking at things, but if they had just checked in with the other to see if they were reading the situation in the same way, a dispute of film score proportions wouldn’t have developed. In each case, I’m happy to say we eventually got to the bottom of why their perceptions of the same situation were so vastly different, by discussing why each had each taken certain steps or said certain things, rather than focus on what was said and done. I’m not suggesting that utopia can be reached on every occasion, maybe a tacit or begrudging acceptance is the best that can be achieved, but that is a much better outcome, and easier to build on and come back from, than a resignation or accusation of bullying/victimisation.
If you are not sure the people around you know why you say and do what you do, don’t assume they understand your motives and intentions…tell them, and if you’re not sure about theirs…ask.